“In you, LORD my God, I put my trust.”‭‭Psalm‬ ‭25:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”  Psalm‬ ‭56:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I’m happy to report that I’m in a different place this year spiritually compared to this same time in previous years. Usually by fall I’m tapped out, drained, exhausted, you name it. I usually tried to keep that stuff to myself, or shared it only with a very trusted few because it didn’t feel safe to say I wasn’t ok.  And I was worried how others might interpret my weakness and frustration and misunderstand.
Holding hard things in silence can have disastrous effects on the body, mind and spirit. That’s where Satan can easily get a foothold. And when the yuck has been brewing for a while, when it finally comes spewing out it is BIG and GROSS and NEGATIVE. So one day, right before the lid was about to blow, I confessed my struggle and that trusted person suggested that maybe I was trying to do things in my own strength, not in God’s strength.  
Oh Yeah?   Huh.  Well, I’m not sharing anything with HIM again.  Sniff.
But truth be told, He was right. I SAID I trusted God. I constantly share scripture about trusting him. I truly love the Lord and want to give Him my best every day. So why did it often feel like I was pushing an elephant uphill?  Trust had to transfer from head to heart.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” Isaiah‬ ‭26:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Seasons of growth can be painfully tough, but oh so good. To be able to sit here and tell you that I am in peace, and it be true? To be able to submit my will to His will daily and trust the Lord regardless of the outcome, and actually believe it?  Yes and amen!!  
One of the pivotal moments this past year was a realization that TRUST is a two way street. I know that God is trustworthy, His word is true and there is no falsehood or lie in Him. Then one day it dawned on me, when I was tempted to think that what I do doesn’t really matter, I saw myself in this parable:

““Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money. “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’ “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’ “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’ “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest. “ ‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’”  ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭25:14-30‬ ‭NIV‬‬
It blows my mind and truly humbles me to realize just how much The Lord has entrusted to my care.  If HE TRUSTS ME, as undeserving and unequipped as I am, then question then becomes so very serious and not to be taken lightly.

What will I do with the master’s gold? Will I be a faithful steward of those things He’s placed in my hands, or will I be found to be a worthless lazy servant?  

““Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”  Luke‬ ‭16:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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