4:00 am. I watch as my husband’s truck backs out of the drive way. Turn off the outdoor lights when I hear it’s distinct engine roar as it pulls onto the main road. Our cozy, warm home feels like a big, cold, empty house in an instant. I doze with I Love Lucy reruns in the background, waking just in time to exchange goodbyes as he boards his connecting flight. Time to start my day, I make coffee.
It may sound silly, but I still struggle with a sort of separation anxiety when he goes out of town. Because of this I usually don’t even tell people when he’s going to be gone. Part of our story is a nearly 2 year, long-distance, bi-coastal relationship. We got to know each other so well during that time, seeing each other only on weekends every 6 – 8 weeks. That made our connection strong and the reunions sweet. We’ve been living in the same place together for over four years now. His job still requires business travel from time to time. You’d think I’d be over it.
Coffee in hand, I make my way out to my favorite place, our screened in porch. Back porch sitting is part of our story too. We have often stayed up talking late into the night, on patios, porches and verandas, depending on where we were living at the time. It’s a comfortable place to perch, connect with nature, with God and with each other.
My attention turns to the activity in the back yard. It’s a glorious morning, the sun casting it’s warm light sideways through the trees, the change of season in the cool, early fall air. I love watching all the birds and animals that make this space their home . This morning I am visited by squirrels, chipmunks, bluejays, robins, a family of eastern bluebirds, cardinals, a persistent red-crested woodpecker, a pair of noisy mockingbirds, doves and a variety finches. I can feel God’s peace, comfort and presence begin to spread through my soul.
My heart whispers a prayer for clarity, Lord help me sort through this tangle of female emotion. The unnamed anxiety is replaced by overwhelming love for a man who turned my head with his first silly introduction. Who still makes me laugh every day. Who works hard at everything he sets his mind to. Who I want to spend time with. Who makes me so proud to be his wife and Baby Girl. Who follows hard after God and seeks His will daily. Who is humble, honest, generous, forgiving, dedicated and loving. Who makes my heart flutter when he walks by. God reveals that the feelings I wrestle with today are different than the separation anxiety I battled in the early days of our relationship. Back then it was a dark self-serving insecurity that drove it. THIS is longing for my husband, a missing of my other half. It’s my heart’s expression of an ever deepening love and gratitude for my life, a life so richly blessed because God saw fit to put two broken people together and make us one.