Only recently I’ve come to understand my need for balance. “Too much” is excess, waste, clutter, overindulgence, burden, unhappiness and stress. “Too little” feels empty, lonely, wanting, hungry, barren, lacking, unhappy and stressful. Looking back, I see that much of my response to life has been driven by this need. It was compulsive. My values misplaced, my perspective distorted. When I was off balance in one area, I’d overcompensate in another to try to get all things back where I needed them to be for my world to make sense. It was a juggling act, a destructive control thing that I couldn’t keep up, which ended in failure. It was a miserable way to live, I just couldn’t see it. Of course there are many factors and circumstances that make up who we are and how we react to stuff. Control issues is just one.
I was once lost and out of balance in every sense. Unravelled, but still foolishly thinking I could fix my world and regain control. I was angry, struggling, searching and ashamed. I decided I didn’t want or need anyone or anything but ME. Pretending, denial, alcohol and even counseling helped for a while. Others didn’t know the mess I was inside, totally and completely broken.
There’s an old expression, when you’re at the bottom the only way is up? What happened to me is a real-life miracle. During my darkest times of hopelessness, God was there preparing my path. What’s cool about it is that He didn’t push. At first I couldn’t see it, but He was in total control. It was a process, not an overnight thing. Over time God set into motion a series of life-changing events. He turned my world upside down. He gave me hard choices. He placed important people in my life that helped slowly bring me back to Him. Everything that happened had a reason and a purpose. God gave and took away. He replaced anger, mistrust, blame, substance abuse, shame, pride, self-reliance and control with friends, hope, love, comfort, acceptance, trust, a new life, an amazing man, truth, surrender, salvation, faith, peace … and balance.
How can it be that The Awesome, Powerful, Sovereign, Majestic Creator and God of the universe loves me enough to save me from myself? Wow! What’s more amazing is that I keep meeting people who have been where I was and He loves them enough to save them too. After all that’s happened, there’s no way I can keep silent. I am in awe, totally undeserving yet incredibly thankful, grateful and blessed. God’s love, grace and mercy is just too good not to share.